Why People-Pleasing Parenting Falls Short—and How to Do it Better

Shhhhhhh! I hissed through my clenched teeth. Why couldn’t Meredith understand how important it was that she behave?

Meredith frolicked noisily with friends in the sanctuary while adults chatted after church. I felt mortified.

An older friend named Molly, whom I had asked to mentor me, asked why I’d grown irritated with Meredith. She said, “The kids are just having fun while the grown ups visit.”

I replied, “I know. But I feel like people are judging me because I’m not controlling her.”

Molly asked, “Do you have a conviction about how she should behave inside of a church?”

I said, “No. Not a conviction. I just don’t want people to think I’m a bad mom.”

Molly had pressed me until I revealed the root of my concern. I was more worried about how people would perceive me as a mom than I was convicted over Meredith’s childish behavior.

Molly looked into my eyes and said something I’ll always remember, “Never raise your kids for what people think of you. You will ruin your children if you do.”

That day I learned the value of older mentors. So much so that I created a podcast called, Old Ladies Know Stuff because I believe so strongly in God’s plan for older women to teach the younger (see Titus 2).

With Molly’s statement, she freed my children from the burden of my people-pleasing tendencies. Her wisdom and mature perspective was a Godsend that changed everything about the way I parented my children. And if you’re a people-pleasing parent, I hope to help you grasp 1) what people-pleasing parenting looks like, 2) why it’s dangerous, and 3) what the alternative looks like.

What People-Pleasing Parenting Looks Like:

1. Performance Pressure:
   • “You didn’t do your homework? What will your teacher think of me?”
   • “Be quiet in public – you’re making me look bad.”

2. Image Identification:
   • Disciplining kids more harshly in public than at home (because people are watching).
   • Making parenting decisions based upon what other moms will think.
3. Success Measured by Other’s Opinion
   • Requiring perfect behavior/grades/achievements so people think you’re a “good mom.”
   • Living vicariously through your children’s accomplishments for your own validation.

Why it’s Dangerous:

1. It teaches children:
   • Their worth is tied to other’s approval (peer pressure).
   • Love and acceptance are performance based.
   • Image is more important than character.
2. It damages your relationship with your child because:
   • Kids feel like props for your performance.
   • You become controlling and anxious.
   • Kids will one day rebel against the pressure OR also become people-pleasers.

One Bible Mom’s Story

The Bible reveals all kinds of mothers—some fearless, some flawed, and others faithful. Let’s take a look at Herodias, a people-pleasing mom who was enraged by how John the Baptist cast shame upon her infidelity. She became so obsessed with his demise that when her daughter’s dance before Herod could have awarded her anything in his kingdom, Herodias seized the opportunity––instructing her daughter to demand John’s head on a platter. What kind of a flawed mother does that? One who is image obsessed.

What the Alternative Looks Like

• Parenting for God’s approval alone––rather than the opinion of others.
• Disciplining consistently based upon your convictions, not audience performance.
• Guiding your child’s heartfelt motivations over pushing for performance.

Consider these Christ-honoring alternatives in the following verses

• Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of man brings a snare.”
• 1 Thessalonians 2:4, “We speak…not to please man, but to please God.”
• Galatians 1:10, “Am I now seeking the approval of man or of God?”

If your parenting has become people-pleasing, you’re not alone––we’ve all been there. But you don’t have to stay stuck there. As Molly’s words woke me up to a better way, I hope my story nudges you to find an older friend to help you break free from people-pleasing habits. And remember, you’re not alone in your parenting journey. God, who has called you to this ministry of motherhood, can guide you with Scripture, godly mentors, and biblical resources.

You can find insights and faithful ways to parent for an audience of One in my new book, Moms of the Bible: Life-Changing Lessons from the Fearless, Flawed and Faithful.