Singleness vs. Marriage: An Amish Woman’s Dilemma

Posted on Apr 05, 2018 Topic : Fiction

Linda Mueller enjoys her orderly, uneventful existence creating quilts and working at an Englisch fabric shop. Idealistic to a fault, Linda has never found a man worth marrying—until she meets Isaac Mast. In this emotional scene from The Amish Quilter, Linda begins to question her feelings. Could she actually want to get married someday?

***

I stared at the ceiling. I had to admit, it wouldn't hurt me to lighten up a little bit. I knew I took everything and everyone too seriously. Myself, for one. And, I feared, Isaac's feelings toward me. Sure, he smiled at me and asked me questions and talked and laughed, but I had no indication that he cared for me more than he did anyone else.

An odd sort of emptiness clenched at me from somewhere deep within. Shifting onto my side, I bent my knees, arms clasped at my stomach. I felt almost...lonely. With such a big family and a close-knit community, that wasn't a familiar emotion for me. Then again, this seemed like a particular kind of loneliness, a longing for more than just family and friends. It wasn't even necessarily about Isaac. It was bigger than that. It was about me and my expectations of going through life as a single woman, alone. I'd always said I would never marry, but was that truly what I wanted? Or was that a lie I told myself because deep inside I knew that no one would ever want to marry me?

I sat up, my heart pounding. For the first time in my life, it was as if I could see my whole future opening up before me, the future God had in mind and not the one I’d cut and stitched for myself. In His version, I wasn’t alone. I was with a helpmate. A soulmate. A partner.

A husband.

And whether that husband ended up being Isaac or someone else, I realized I did want to be married. Suddenly I wanted it more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. Overwhelmed by a piercing need, it was as if years of yearning that had been tamped down out of sight were finally being set free. Swallowing back a sob, I slipped from the bed, got to my knees, closed my eyes, and brought all of it to the Lord. The pain. The loneliness. The insecurity. The self-deception. The lack of trust. I prayed for an hour, maybe more. He took it all, in His wide-open arms and nail-scarred hands, leaving me, in the end, unburdened, comforted, and at peace.

I ended my prayer and got back in bed. I knew I wouldn’t change overnight. And I knew that by admitting to myself that I wanted a marriage, I was setting myself up for potential heartbreak. But at least I knew now what I truly wanted. Most important of all, I knew what God wanted for me.